Jesse

Conceived at Halloween
Announced at Thanksgiving
Lost at Christmas
Buried at New Year:s

Conceived in Love
Announced with Joy
Lost with Sadness
Buried with Hope

This entire season hurts.  Four years ago we were expecting our sixth child.  It was a happy surprise...we thought my womb was closed for good.  In fact, when I showed Bill the positive pregnancy test, he said, "I didn't think you had it in you!"  lol 

My first symptom was nausea.  In fact, I wasn't late yet, and tested because I was so nauseous.  I figured I was wasting a pregnancy test, but it was one from the dollar store.   What a surprise when the line showed up!

We were going to see Bill's and my parents over Thanksgiving, so I had the kids make a mural of hand-outline turkeys.  When they weren't around, I added an egg at the end with "due to hatch in July" at the end.  Each set of grandparents received a mural on Thanksgiving, surprising them and the kids! 

I took my first "belly picture" on Christmas Eve.  At 10 weeks, and having recently lost 23 pounds, it was just barely popping out. 

On Christmas Day, I woke up early and got up to walk the dog.  I was a little crampy, but was shocked to see some blood when I went to the bathroom.  Instead of walking the dog, I took a shower and told Bill I was spotting.  I took it easy all day, and the cramps and spotting eased up.  The next day, however, the cramping would get worse when I got up, and last a half hour after being on my feet.  Then I realized they were getting closer and harder--labor.  I kind of arched my back with one and my water broke.  I had no idea that would happen.  About ten minutes later, lost my baby.  It was perfect-looking, just like pictures I'd seen at that gestation. 

We decided to name the baby, to choose a name that would fit either a boy or a girl.  Jacob suggested Jesse, which we all agreed on.  I think it came to his mind from the movie Toy Story, but it is also a Bible name, and the name of one of my aunts.  Our kids have Biblical first names and family middle names (except William). 

We buried the baby on New Year's Day.  It was a cold, blustery day.  The sky was dark gray, snowing lightly off and on.  William and Bill struggled to break the cold ground under a tree in our yard.  There are lots of roots that close to the surface!  I kept thinking how wrong it was for one child to dig a grave for its sibling.  We released pink and blue balloons with "Jesse, born too soon December 26, 2006" My dad gave a little eulogy and prayed.

Four years have passed, and I've had another miracle baby, Luke.  But the emptiness left from losing Jesse is still there.  Oh, it's not as big and it doesn't hurt as badly as at first.  Other losses, and other people's losses, as well as this time of year, will cause an ache like picking an unhealed scab.

I am so thankful that God carried me through these four years.  He helped me through depression, attacks of the devil, uncertainty, fear...When I thought He had left me to battle alone, I can look back and see how He carried me, just like the Footsteps poem.  Although I couldn't feel Him at the time, and often only clung to the faith of others around me, He kept me.